The Movie-of-the-Week Viewer's Guide

With my late night viewing over the past week, I've seen a strange combination of the "Scream" trilogy and my beloved Lifetime movies. (Patrick Dempsey is in "Scream 3." Does anyone remember that? That's part of where he was before being reborn on "Grey's Anatomy." Weird, huh?) And, as such, I was inspired. I now offer you my rules for surviving a Lifetime movie. Rule #1: You are always going to trust the wrong person. Always. If you believe your husband despite the warnings of all the other townspeople, a string of doctors, and multiple police officers, it will turn out that he is trying to kill you. On the other hand, if you listen to all those people, run from your husband, and try to turn him in, it will turn out that your husband was innocent all along and has actually been framed by some other seemingly insignificant best friend/town sheriff/third cousin, who, of course, is also the person you chose to run straight to when you became terrified for your life. (Just ask Marcia Cross about "Living in Fear" - like all the others, she had to learn the hard way.) You must always go against your first instinct, but I still can't promise that that will save you. Rule #2: Your best friend is a goner - especially if that best friend is a thinker. Should you want those close to you to survive your drama of the week, in no way, shape, or form confide your concerns to them. Don't tell them what you learned from microfilm down at the local library. Don't mention that you found the new nanny trying on your clothes when she thought you were out. And, under no circumstances reveal that you "just don't know who to believe anymore." These words are like a beacon to the caring friends of the world, and they can't help but investigate for themselves. Unfortunately, this info hunt will lead to their early demise, and you will then have one less ally in that final showdown with the psychopath in your life. Rule #3: If anyone tells you that they faked their own death "to protect you," DON'T BELIEVE THEM! No one pretends to be dead if they really love you. It's kind of like a really extreme version of "He's Just Not That Into You." And, I know it hurts to hear it, but I think it's a pretty good rule of thumb for relationships - men who really care about you don't just call when they say they will, they also let you know when they're ALIVE. (Kellie Martin eventually figures this out in "Live Once, Die Twice," but she ends up duct taped to the hood of a yacht because she is willing to believe her bigamist, death-faking husband's claim that all of his shenanigans were part of his mission as a secret government agent. Secret agent? Really Kellie? Even I expect more from the heroines of my Lifetime movies.) Rule #4: It's best to kennel your pets during times of extreme distress. Either (a) the crazy who is making your life hell will kill your beloved canine companion or (b) you'll let the dog/cat out, the animal won't return to the door, you'll go outside to look for him or her, and then crazy will sneak into your home to attack you. Rule #5: Make sure the evil doer is dead. Otherwise, they're just bound to move to a new town and pull the same crap one someone who looks exactly like you. Rule #6: Don't forget that the greatest danger sometimes lurks in your own head. Sometimes you think you're being stalked when really you've just got another personality that keeps killing all of your friends and co-workers and writing scary messages on the wall to make it look like you're in grave danger. (Please reference "Victim of Beauty" for more information.) Lifetime would probably prefer it if I said that "the great danger in your own head" could be a lack of self-esteem that leads to an abusive relationship or flagging confidence that means you don't trust your instincts when it comes to the neighbor much too interested in your young daughter. But, come on. We all know that potentially murderous repressed alter egos are a lot more of a concern than anything as silly as "believing in yourself." Now, some of these rules may seem severe or reactionary, but you have to remember that we're not dealing with the Hallmark channel here. This is no "Touched by an Angel." And, as such, only extreme caution and suspicion are going to get us all through the most difficult 2 hours of our lives.