The Last Optimist

Continuing my evaluation of current talk show hosts, I feel that I must address the issue of one Mr. Maury Povich. I've been watching Maury for awhile now, and, other than wondering about the downhill slide of his career, I must say that it is the eternal hope of Maury and some of his more frequent guests that amazes me time and time again. I'll say this, if I had brought 3, 7, 10, or even 16 men on to genetically test them to find the father of my baby, I'd be willing to give up. I would want to toss in the towel and go home, probably change my name and look into facial reconstruction. But, not Jeanine. After giving a paternity test to her husband, his cousin, and 6 other guys, she's back for more. Sure, in the moment when the guests hear, yet again, that they have not found the father of their baby, they kick and scream and throw themselves against the backstage walls, but, within a few weeks, they always come back for more. They dust themselves off, look through the little black book, head back to Wet Seal, and get the tissues ready. And, when you consider the 48 hour window in which one can get pregnant, you must admire the persistence a mission like this would take. To have sex with that many people in one fertility window would be tough. (Or, at least I would think it would be.) Just thinking about my day, I would have had to put moves on 2 people at the office, my pharmacist, the clerk at Rosenberger's, my Chick-fil-A cashier, and call the maintenance man from my apartment complex just to increase the odds. And those are just the people I came in contact with. If anyone had said no, I would have been in real trouble. And, regardless, I would be really, really tired. Of course, maybe the extreme fatigue is a reason it's so difficult to recall who the daddy might be. Things to consider... But, what I find most amazing is Maury's continued faith in his guests. Everytime anyone comes on the show, no matter how many lies he has caught, he looks at his guests with patience, and those beautiful baby blues, and says, "You know he's the father, don't you? He's the only one it can be because he's the only one you've been with." He pats their hands, and he looks at his audience with such compassion. No matter how many supposed "virgins" learn they have pegged the wrong man as the father of their baby, no matter how many husbands claim they can pass a lie detector test about their infidelity, no matter how many teen speed addicts fall short as soon as they leave Mad Dog's boot camp for delinquents...He still believes. I wonder about the end of the day when he goes home to Connie. Does he turn to her, "Darling, you'll never guess what happened today!"? Does she sigh because of course she knows what happened? Does he expect her to be as incredulous as he is every single time? After this many years, are there not days when she screams, "Guess what happened? I'll guess what happened. Someone's a liar, and someone's a whore!" (Moments in which I'm sure Newt's Mom would refer to Connie as a you know what...) And, in those moments, I'm still willing to bet that Maury Povich, the world's last great optimist, kisses her on the forehead and goes off to put on his slippers and have some oreos with milk.