The Shannen Doherty Experience

This weekend I was lucky to stumble on, not one, but two, Shannen Doherty made-for-television movies. What I love about both is that even though our dear Shannen is playing entirely fictional characters, you still manage to see the bitch in her. And, in a way, I sometimes wonder if Shannen doesn’t just express all of those thoughts the rest of us living outside the direct glow of Aaron Spelling have but are too afraid/tactful/wanting to spend the afterlife someplace nice to express. Seriously, who doesn’t want to catfight with Paris Hilton? And, even if you’re not interested in going into direct combat with the heiress, don’t you want to see the Doherty kick her ass? (Consider this: reread the Chuck Norris forward. Replace Chuck with Shannen. Aren’t you even a little more terrified of the roundhouse kick now?) Also, during all those years of her bad 90210 press, didn’t anyone ever consider that Shannen might just be a method actress? Wesley Snipes can spend weeks on and off set as Blade: The Vampire Slayer, but Shannen can’t spend some time chain smoking when her boyfriend runs off with her best friend. (Did you see the senior prom episode? Shannen/Brenda had to settle for a date that WASN’T IN THE GROUP! While Kelly and Dylan couldn’t keep their hands off each other, Shannen/Brenda had to find a way to make sure her date was on the end of all the pictures because everyone else knew that they would definitely be BFF always, but no one would even remember outsider’s name 2 years later when they were all attending the same college and desperately praying they could have just 1 year without date rape, drug addiction, or cutting. Donna Martin was going to graduate, but not with that kid’s name on the brain. Sure, Brandon had an outsider date too, but that was expected of him. After all, what would we all have done without Brandon’s torrid encounters with the single teen mother, ice skater, actress, and freshman David met while Donna was away pretending that Shannen/Brenda’s French accent wasn’t the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard? I, for one, would have been lost.) Anyway, the first stellar film was "View of Terror," wherein our poor, unsuspecting heroine becomes the target of a stalker’s affections after moving out of the apartment she shared with her actor boyfriend. (I didn’t see the very beginning, so adding "philandering" to the boyfriend’s description might not be accurate, but I feel about 95% sure I could include it...) In general, I have to say that I was very pleased with "View of Terror." Sure, it was no "Satan’s School for Girls" or the incredible romp "Friends ‘Til the End" where we first see the double threat that is Shannen Doherty singing and acting, but it worked for me. The Doherty calls the police even when the scary voice on the other end of the phone tells her not to, she is intelligent enough to try tracking down the psycho, etc. However, it is in the final showdown that we see just a bit of Shannen’s inner bitch. So, Shannen hasn’t figured out who her stalker is yet, but she’s set a trap for him. She’s moving out of her apartment to catapult the maniac into action. As such, she ends up in the basement of her building with the doorman she thought she could trust holding her at knife point. At this point, her boyfriend enters and a brawl ensues between BF and psycho doorman (PD). PD is kicking ass, and he isn’t even using any weapons. He doesn’t have a gun, and his knife is tucked in the back of his pants the entire time. PD is doing all of the damage to BF with just his fists. Yet, Shannen does nothing. She just stands there watching her boyfriend being beaten. After BF’s face is sufficiently smashed up, she takes the lead pipe, that was apparently right next to her the entire time, and takes out PD with one blow to the back of the head. An ambulance is called for BF and a slightly ruffled, yet stronger Shannen accompanies him to the hospital. Here’s what I think: there’s a part of Shannen that liked watching possibly cheating BF take a beating. She felt women in a similar situation would allow a little expression of rage to occur before stepping in. After all, PD did love her, even if the love was a little sick. My next Doherty feature was "Almost Dead," wherein the viewer is treated to the supernatural mystery of la Doherty’s haunting by her presumed dead and buried mother. This film is particularly phenomenal because: 1. Shannen is supposed to be a doctor. A doctor of psychology. Others in the film have to address her as Doctor. It’s amazing. 2. One of the secondary characters is a nosy hunchback. 3. There is a character who returns from the dead, and it’s not Shannen’s mother... 4. They tried to add in religious overtones. There are some priests and nuns who talk about Satan, etc. 5. The finale features a showdown between Shannen and Costas Mandylor against middle aged man twins each dressed as Shannen Doherty’s dead mother. 6. In this finale, the twins peel off their faces Mission Impossible-style. 7. Also in this finale, stabbing 1 twin kills the other because they’re just that identical and attuned to one another. (Which, coincidentally enough, is the very phenomenon our Doctor of Psychology Doherty was studying before she started running from her dead mother! Who could have seen that one coming?) 8. As the credits roll, a shovel throws dirt on a grave with no one behind it. It’s just that crazy! 9. Oh, and the bitch part comes in when Shannen tells off a priest and is willing to abandon cohort/possible BF Costas to save herself. In short, do I know how to have weekend fun or what?