We're Breaking Up

And, by "we," I don't mean me and Hugh Laurie or me and Maury Povich. (Although, Maury, I do wish you would lighten up on the Grecian formula. At 67, you've lost the battle. This question may answer itself, but doesn't a man who looks for baby daddies for a living want to maintain some of his dignity?) I'm not even breaking up with Big Lots, my new favorite place to shop, even though they are partly to blame for my current heartbreak. You see, Monday, I was running around Big Lots, picking up the essentials - inexpensive fleece throws, canvas, hair gel, and, of course, DVDs of old Lifetime movies. In stocking up on my favorite DVDs that come in cardboard sleeves, I pulled out "People vs. Jean Harris." I liked the fact that it was bold enough to exclude an article at the beginning of the title, and I liked the lovely look of Ellen Burstyn on the cover. It even touted her as the Academy Award winner that she is. It was the Ellen Burstyn I know and I love. Which, leads me to why I have to break up with Kreative Digital Entertainment, otherwise known as the company that makes my Lifetime DVDs. Now, truth be told, if I had known that this company spelled its name with a "k," we never would have gone out in the first place. There is absolutely no reason to change a "c" to a "k" at the beginning of a word. There is a bar in Birmingham called Konfusion. Is this edgier than Confusion? Does this name impress me more? Does this say, "we are so cool we can't even be bothered with the WASPy, male way of pushing their antiquated, conservative values and norms on the rest of us through spelling rules"? No. No, it doesn't. Did Kreative Digital Entertainment (KDE from here on out) choose this because Creative Digital Entertainment was already taken? I have another suggestion shoud this predicament present itself again - pick another name! A completely different one, at that. There are enough words in the English language that your options shouldn't boil down to spelling 1 word with a "k" or a "c." But, I digress. The point is this: "People vs. Jean Harris" was made long before the made for TV movie hit its stride. The entire film is set inside the courtroom. There are no dramatic re-enactments or flashbacks. (Who could make a movie that doesn't at least try to be better than real life. If I wanted Court TV, I'd watch it. If I wanted to see boredom, I'd film myself while I knit.) There is a voiceover. A documentary-esque voiceover. The lighting is harsh. There are bad wigs. The first witness looks like the poor man's Vicki Lawrence from "Momma's House." The Hungarian accent on the second witness could have been coached out of the Pakistani man who owns the deli down from my house. It was awful. And, you see, I wouldn't be pissed at KDE were it not for the cover of my DVD. The cover photo is not Ellyn Burstyn from the movie. "People vs. Jean Harris" is 70s Burstyn, while the Burstyn on the cover of my movie is from 20 years later. She is the Ellen Burstyn I paid to see in "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood," and KDE knew it, and they tricked me. And, for that reason, we can't see each other anymore. After all, if you can't trust people that sell $1.50 DVDs at Big Lots, who will tell you the truth in this crazy world?