Are You Sure You Want to Turn That Up?

Because of Labor Day weekend, I've had plenty of opportunities to listen to various countdowns on the radio over the past few days. Driving back and forth to Auburn and the lake gave me plenty of free time, too. Truth be told - song lyrics fascinate me. It's amazing how many horrible phrases, bad rhymes, and weird stories can find themselves into songs, but because there's a beat and a catchy tune, no one notices how strange the words are. (Word to the wise, this is also why it is never a good idea to quote song lyrics during romantic or other intimate moments. "Instead of making love, we both made our separate ways," sounds a hell of a lot better being belted out by Poison than it will when you try to express your remorse over a break up. Trust me - these things don't translate.) A nine-year-old would get an "F" if her or she rhymed "dresser" and "beretta" (as well as a probably well-deserved trip to the school counselor), but that's what R. Kelly does in "Trapped in the Closet: Chapter 1." And, let's consider the case of "Escape" by Rupert Holmes. Everyone enjoys "pina coladas and getting caught in the rain," but if you actually listen to the rest of the song, you realize it's about a man who decides to cheat on his partner, places a personal ad to do so, and then ends up arranging to meet his very own, also-wanting-to-cheat-via-personal-ad partner. What a crazy coincidence! Oh, more accurately, how creepy is that?!?! Do you still feel the same urge to sing along while car dancing now? As for unacceptable turns of the English language, don't even get me started on Fergie and her "lady lumps." Well, as I was driving down the interstate yesterday, I had the opportunity to hear "That Summer" by Garth Brooks for the first time in years. I like Garth Brooks, and I don't expect a whole lot from his lyrics. Sometimes, it's just fine to make everything simple and easy to understand. Also, I like the little stories in his songs. "That Summer" is about a teenager who goes to work on a ranch when the school year ends and has a tryst with an older woman. What I don't like is this - the song, as told from the perspective of the teen boy, states that the older woman "had a need to feel the thunder." Yes, those are the exact words. And, I'm sorry, but how freakin' ridiculous is that?!?! When you remove the music and have only lyrics, you get a sixteen-year-old boy who basically starts his junior year of high school telling all of his adolescent classmates about "this old chick who totally wanted me" and "how much she wanted to feel the thunder." I invite you to inject as much asinine body language as you want into that fantasy, so long as you come with me to the place where "That Summer" makes you want to laugh out loud rather than sing along.