Browsing for Bargains

As usual, I was wondering through the Dollar Tree on Friday when I stumbled upon this little gem... And, no, you're not seeing things. This is in fact a "rock painting kit" complete with a shrink-wrapped, gray, fake rock. (How this ended up in the discount store is beyond me.) However, the more I looked at the rock painting kit, the more I realized that this is not as much a toy as it is an indicator that Mommy has a severe drinking problem. Let's consider the options: Either (A) Mommy has a hangover so bad, she's willing to give you money for ANYTHING, and I'm pretty sure a rock painting kit is the rock bottom of ANYTHING, so that you and your siblings will be quiet and stop complaining about the fact that she never spends time with you, always smells a little like cherry cough syrup, and you don't remember what color her eyes are anymore because they're always behind sunglasses, (B) Mommy was "too tired" to take you to the store, and the only other person willing to let you spend Daddy's hard-earned money on crap like this is one of Mommy's drinking buddies who you have to call "Aunt Honey," but the truth is Mommy only knows her from the one bar open until 3 a.m. on a Tuesday, and "Honey" probably isn't her real name, but Mommy can't be expected to remember details like that once she's had more than three whiskey sours, or (C) You don't actually have the official "rock painting kit" because Mommy didn't "feel well enough" to get to the register, but the next day when you want to watch TV, she tells you to go out in the yard with her eye liner and your imagination while she stays in the still, silent cloister of her bedroom with all of the curtains drawn. Of course, I could be imagining things, but I don't think I'm all that far from the truth on this one.