Out and About

I'm not going to lie - yesterday was a fat day. And as many people know, and the rest of you will now learn, when women feel fat, we often shop for shoes to make ourselves feel better. Unless you're pregnant and suffering from all sorts of hormonal shifts, the foot is usually the one part of your body that doesn't change sizes. Most people don't need "fat shoes" and "skinny shoes." We just have shoes. And, on many days, such as yesterday, that's a Godsend. It is incredibly dangerous to wander into any other sort of store on a fat day. I made the mistake of going into Old Navy. (Embarrassing truth be told, I was looking for clothes for my dog. Shopping for my dog is the other thing I do on fat days. But, when I actually had the thought that none of Old Navy's offerings were "girly enough," I knew I was not myself and high-tailed it out of there.) However, during my brief time there, yesterday was the only time anyone has every tried to help me in Old Navy, and I knew something was up. Salespeople can smell low self-esteem like a dog can smell fear. Before you know it, they've talked you into trying on many, much-too-trendy and not-your-color clothes because they sense your desperate need for validation. Eventually, they'll start throwing items on the pile without even asking because they know if they give you one little compliment about looking thin, you'll be trapped in their clutches and their commission will go up because you can't fight that icky feeling that comes with realizing one of your skirts doesn't fit the way it did last week. ("Yes, yes, you do want the camouflage-patterned bolero jacket with accompanying skinny scarf" [insert maniacal laugh with devilish finger wiggling here] "You are mine, insecure shopper!") Anyway, let's get back to the shoes. Normally shoe shopping is of little stress to me. I like closed toe. I like open toe. I like a whole array of shoe colors. But, I do not, my dear friend, like the peep toe. You see, my second toe is much longer than my big toe. And, by much longer, I mean much longer. (My mother says that means I'll be rich someday. I think she made that up, but I like it. Although, obviously, the way things are going, "rich" is a long way off. I'd be happy with "subsistence level.") And, when I put on a peep toe shoe, the only toe peeping out is my abnormally long second toe. If you don't believe me, reference the photo. And, believe me when I say that it's actually must worse in person. Fat day shoe shopping was not going the way I wanted. I was about to give up hope when I found a $12.49 deal on these little suede numbers ($12.49!), and my sense of calm returned. So, I celebrated with a burrito. Was this counterproductive to the source of my morning malaise? Absolutely, but at least being well-nourished and having new shoes allowed me to escape my funk and lessened my desire to rip the head off anyone giving the once over to my cargo pant and loose tank outfit combo or rear end the Honda SUV with "KUKARAT" as a vanity plate. (What the hell could that mean? Why would you unleash such a word/letter combination on the world? It's not right.) Can you believe I ever run errands considering how stressful it all is? Don't even get me started on the dry cleaners... (On this particular post, I told my spell checker to learn the word "burrito." I know it's necessary. Considering my loves, that word is going to come up often, but I think that action might have been a setback from the shoe purchasing high.)