My Life Without Cable

Sunday night, as I was desperately trying to sleep and my two doses of tylenol pm were not working, I stumbled upon the 2 a.m. movie on the WB. Now, earlier in the day, I had watched some rather strange piece of trying to be deep/existential filmmaking with a bit of mysticism thrown in called "Interstate 60" on the WB, and, while I was not overcome with respect for James Marsden and his leading role choices, I was at least entertained. (Also, as a plus, I realized where the pink power ranger has been since leaving "Felicity" following the traumatic repercussions of her date rape at the hands of that dorky, always had a crush on Angela guy from "My So Called Life." And, while I am in no way commenting on date rape, I have to say I was more than happy to see her go as I was always a Ben and Felicity fan, and pink power ranger just got in the way. Plus, she never figured out how to do her hair. It bugged me. She makes a brief appearance in "Interstate 60," but she still hasn't figured out how to do her hair, so I was, yet again, perturbed by her on-screen presence.) Anyway, "The Killers Within" began with what looked like early 80s scenery - all grainy and whatnot - and featured a long truck ride with only some news announcement from the radio as background noise. (Oh my, thanks to the wonder that is the internet movie database, I just learned that "The Killers Within" was actually made in 1995, which makes me even more sure of its "B" movie status. They must have bought their equipment at Big Lots to achieve said shoddy film effects.*) I was not impressed. Then, as the opening credits rolled, I noticed that the movie was written and directed by the same person, Paul Leder. If you ask me, this is never a good sign. If the guy who wrote and directed the movie didn't take the pop culture world by storm (a la Quentin Tarrantino and Wes Anderson), it's probably not good. And, again, from imdb I learn that Paul Leder's other projects include "I Dismember Mama" and "My Friends Need Killing." The pieces are coming together. So, I was all set to give up on said movie and put my DVD's of "House" in, when the scene switched from guy in car to half-naked couple in swimming pool. (Now, I really don't care about the half-naked part. Or the pool for that matter. I just wanted to know where these people came from.) And, then, the camera zooms out from the couple in the pool to show that they are being watched from a window by a creepy old man. Then we go inside the room of creepy old man where he is in a wheelchair, doing curls with one arm, and being served a meal by some manservant of sorts. What the hell could this all mean?!?! I mean, seriously, how in the world do you bring all of these elements together? There is nothing rational or seemingly related about a swimming couple and the handicapped voyeur with a man maid. And, that's when they hooked me. These kinds of questions meant that I could not, as planned, turn to "House." Nor could I even relax and try to let the tylenol pm kick in. Instead, I had to watch "The Killers Within." Maybe wheelchair guy was the wealthy grandfather to the couple in the pool? Maybe he was gay and forced his manservant to perform humiliating tasks like sponge bathing him while singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" in rounds, but manservant had to do it because his family that couldn't immigrate from Sweden had to have the money to keep their roots from showing in the all blond nation? And, still, none of this would explain the buy in the truck or his missing brother who seemed to have a job at a newspaper where his boss was a woman with freakishly light eyes that made her look even more devilish than her seeming nonchalance about the brother's two week absence from his job made her seem. These kinds of questions are probably what wore me out to the point where I fell asleep before finishing the movie. So, on the plus side, sleep. On the minus side, no closure. Which is actually where my asterisk from earlier comes in - there are few internet sites I love more than the internet movie database. I love that I can check out any actor or film no matter how obscure. For a Lifetime lover like me, it just answers so many questions. And, while nothing can replace actually seeing the end of "The Killers Within," thanks to imdb, I know that old man in the wheelchair is actually a presumed dead war criminal who had the brother of the guy in the truck killed with the help of the people in the pool. Thank you imdb. I always rest a little easier because of you.