Team Impact

So, adding to the list of things Chris drags me into, a few months ago when went to see a little something called “Team Impact.” For those of you who aren’t familiar with Team Impact, it is best described as people who break concrete for Christ. Yep. I’ll give you a second for that to sink in. Now, before I begin my usual cynical take on things, I need to clarify this: I am not mocking faith. I think faith is a very good things. If I seem to be mocking, it is this particular expression of faith that I find so bizarre. Now to begin our outing, I showed up in a sweat shirt and gym shorts. Everyone around me seemed to think that wasn’t ok as we were going to church. Now, I just happened to be running late, and for those who might doubt it, I also ended up attending a party and going out to a bar in the same get-up for the sake of time. But, on the other hand, I also felt that people willing to smash stuff in church shouldn’t be the first to throw stones, so to speak. (I’m sorry. I’m having a harder and harder time resisting bad puns lately.) After a Mexican meal, we were off to the Shades Valley Baptist Church. As we walked in, there were 2 incredibly large men dressed in purplish track suits talking about who was going to “testify” first. I thought that was weird, but it was nothing like what was going on inside. When we walked into the dark church, there were hundreds of kids swinging what looked like glow sticks you’d find at any novelty store. But, upon closer inspection, you could see that they were actually fluorescent crosses. Who knew that Jesus and ravers might have so much in common? Then the members of Team Impact started pouring lighter fluid over their set-up of concrete blocks and frozen chunks of ice on the altar. (Again, they can burn stuff, and we were worried about my outfit?) Then there was a lot of breaking stuff with bare hands while it was all afire. I thought the kids in front of me were going to need an extra does of ritalin they were so riled up. Now, as my friend Kevin and I discussed, we thought the evening would be about 80% feats of strength, 20% Jesus. We were very wrong. After the first 5 minutes of breaking stuff, there was a good 20 minutes of testifying. Joe (I have no idea if that was his name or not) started to tell a story about being in Arkansas. Now, I could try to summarize this story for you, but as it went on for nearly half an hour, I don’t think anyone wants me to. It is important that the set-up to the story involved a father, darkness, light, uncertainty, etc. A lot of good elements for a story about God. But, then the story ends with the guy looking at a rock in a graveyard and realizing that there is life after death. Here’s the problem: I was not offended as a Christian. I was offended as a writer. You’ve got to know which details to tell and which ones to omit. And, you certainly don’t give me a 15 minute set-up that goes absolutely nowhere. It ain’t right. When the call went out to be saved and give yourself to Christ, I had to leave. But, not because I don’t love Jesus, it’s just that I’m Episcopalian. We don’t do spontaneous displays of emotion. We prefer regimented, reserved worship. Occasionally we shake hands on really special, loving days like Christmas and Easter, but we don’t ever get hopped up enough to change the order of a service that’s worked for us for nearly 400 years. We prefer coffee and silent prayer to being saved. It’s just who we are. I also felt a little judged when I didn’t go along with all the praying. Again, being Episcopalian, I prefer knowing exactly what I’m praying for in advance - you know, Nicene Creed kind of stuff. With all that “off the cuff” praying who knows if I’ll end up asking God to look after W, take away reproductive rights, or if I’ll just get handed a snake. No sir, only prayer books and patterns for me. And, as a side note, I kept seeing shirts that said “The Lord’s Gym” on audience members. I figured this was just a clever, Christian play on “Gold’s Gym” being sold by Team Impact. But, again, I was wrong. Driving down Highway 31 a couple of weeks later, I spied the actual Lord’s Gym in a strip mall. I promptly went home, googled, and confirmed that I was not hallucinating. The Lord’s Gym is an actual place. Although, much like Team Impact, I still have no idea what all of these connections are or why Christians needs their own special, workout place. Is the Lord’s Gym just so you can avoid heathens while staying in shape or are there actual ministries being conducted there? And, almost more importantly, how does the Christian mission statement affect the dress code? Well, I hope I haven’t offended, though I probably have. Remember, I didn’t write this to make it about God, it’s about the relationship between religion and these particular programs. I just need it explained to me because I really don’t get it. P.S. And, again, in keeping with my Tyra Banks obsession, is she really getting married? I almost stayed up to 3:30 the other morning just to find out, but then I remembered how much I prefer sleep to obnoxious daytime talk show hosts. (That doesn’t apply to you Maury, don’t worry, our love is still strong.) I can only hope that Tyra would give Britney Spears a run for her money in the trashy wedding category. It sucks Britney already put her wedding party in velour “pimp”sweat suits, now everybody else just looks like a copycat.