Trapped in the Closet

I don’t know if this is sad or amazing, but the highlight of the “Dirty Santa” Christmas party I attended last night was the opening of the R. Kelly “Trapped in the Closet” DVD. Now, since I was the unfortunate drawer of number 1, I had no chance of getting near the “musical masterpiece” (as described by R. Kelly himself on the back of the case), but, luckily, the winner allowed us all to watch the movie when the game ended. For those not lucky enough to see chapters 1-12 (many of which have never been released to the general public), I thought I would include a list of my personal highlights/what I've learned from all this. However, since there are so many, I might have to break this into a 3 or 4 part series. As such, here’s section 1: Firearms. 1. Everyone owns a gun. Everyone. And, it’s not just that they own them, it’s that they like to draw them on each other all the time. I’m not exactly sure why anyone in “Trapped in the Closet” should have feared for his or her life, since mostly there was sex going on and nothing particularly life-threatening. In chapter 1, R. Kelly (whose character name is Sylvester) draws a gun on Cathy’s (the woman he just slept with) husband (Rufus). Now, since Rufus is Dockers-clad minister who admits to being gay, I hardly see the imminent physical threat he poses to R. Kelly. 2. No one else is bothered by these guns. Rufus invites his gay lover over to his apartment just after R. Kelly threatens to kill him and his wife. Personally, I have always hoped for a boyfriend (particularly one of the cloth) who would not ask me over during an armed standoff, but hey, I guess if you really wait to make a point to your cheating wife, the personal safety of loved ones is not a concern. Later on, at R. Kelly’s house, when he, the cop who slept with his wife, and R. Kelly’s brother-in-law have a gunfight, there is a ring of the doorbell. All guns drawn, of course, they open the door to find their elderly neighbor holding a spatula and inquiring as to what all the commotion was about. What happens next? Does the neighbor run away screaming because everyone is aiming weapons at her? Does she faint because her poor, octogenarian heart can’t take it? No, everyone starts laughing, and they invite Mrs. Johnson on in. And, who wouldn’t want to walk into that house? It just seems like a lovely home what with the smell of gunpowder and all. R. Kelly, his wife, the brother-in-law (Twon), and Mrs. Johnson (the cop takes this opportunity to run out, which is the first logical event to occur) have a hearty ha ha over the escapade, everyone good-naturedly wanting to know what Mrs. Johnson thought she was going to do with that spatula. 3. Gun shot wounds are not nearly as serious as one might think. The cop and R. Kelly struggle with the gun at one point. When it goes off, it fires at Twon who no one knew was in the room because he’d only recently gotten to the house after being released from prison that very morning. At first, they think Twon is dead. Luckily, he rolls over to show them that it was only his shoulder that was hit. Then, he asks for a bathroom. That’s right - not a doctor or a ride to the hospital or even some ice. He just wants a bathroom. After wiping his bicep off with some damp toilet paper and putting on a band aid, Twon is as good as new. Who knew. 4. Later, at the cop’s house where he confronts his (white) wife, R. Kelly and Twon bust in and again threaten to shoot everyone for reasons that remain entirely unclear to me. Twon is growing impatient and really just wants to take the room out, but R. Kelly tells him that he can’t because he just got out of prison. The reason to calm down has nothing to do with not wanting to shoot people or finding an alternate means of conflict resolution - it’s the timing. Apparently, if anyone is going to commit multiple murders, it should be the one in the room who isn’t a repeat offender, and certainly not the one who only finished doing his time that very morning. 5. The Southern character (yeah, I don’t know why the cop’s wife is the only character with a regional identity, but R. Kelly’s lovely Southern falsetto almost made me forget my qualms) doesn’t get a glock like everyone else. No, she has to come downstairs barefoot and overweight with a shotgun. Bigots. All right, that’s enough for now. To come: rhyme scheme, cell phones, and use of detail.