Babies, Babies, Babies

So, I heard that Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood got hitched. Crazy, huh? Those 2 kids are so much in love...I wonder what it’s like to get engaged, married, and make numerous press statements about your non-pregnancy just so people don’t forget who you are. Plus, what does it say when a man proposes as a huge, bronze statue of him is being unveiled. Could that same man possibly be a bit self-involved? I hate to be the one to point out red flags, but RED FLAG Trisha. (That’s without even considering the red flags of his cheating on his wife with you and making a Dr. Pepper commercial/video with a fake old person in it. Fake old people are just creepy, come on...) Anyway, this bit of news caused started me thinking about celebrity babies, and since I went to private school my entire life and never got to experience the joys of prom, senior wills, or senior predictions, I decided to jot down a few thoughts about where famous babies might be in 20 years. Sean Preston Spears Federline (the first child of someone who will never astound intellectual circles and the luckiest deadbeat in the world - I’ll let y’all discuss which is which): Headlining in Vegas with a drag show devoted entirely to his mother’s standards. Obviously, the highlight is S Pres’ (as he will be known by then) rendition of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” complete with pigtails and naughty school girl skirt. (You don’t even want to know how the number with the sequined body suit and huge snake goes.) Unfortunately, the show has to shut down after a mere 2 weeks because of plummeting ticket sales due to audience’s growing frustration with S Pres’ frequent inhaler breaks during “I’m a Slave For You.” Why couldn’t Daddy K Fed give up those Marlboro Reds? Why, God, why? The world truly would have known talent had little Spears-Federline not been so grievously handicapped by his father’s bad habits...or not. Pilot Inspektor Lee (hell, growing that mustache should have been a clue that Jason Lee might not be a man of good taste): In a bell tower at a university somewhere in the Midwest reigning down bullets on poor, innocent bystanders. What would push him over the edge you ask? It’s not the first question, “Did you say your name was Pilot?” At least that question has some plausible answers. “My dad loved planes...My grandfather was a pilot who was shot down in Vietnam...etc...” It’s the second question that will do him in, “Why the k?” There’s just no answer for that one. And trying to come up with one would drive anyone insane. The only remotely feasible solution is, “My name wasn’t weird enough, and my parents don’t really love me.” Alastair Stewart ( a.k.a. the lucky progeny of Rod Stewart and Penny Lancaster): Kicking orphans on the less prosperous streets of London. Hell, with big sis Kimberly to follow, who seems to have no shame about mocking America’s vulnerable, recently cuckolded Sweetheart or crippled humanitarians (or, at least, feeling no shame until her publicist advises her to), he’s really going to have to work to get more attention. I think it might take verbal attacks on Mother Teresa’s legacy or the mentally challenged to be recognized as the Stewart child. Kal-El Cage (baby boy of Nicholas Cage and his child bride): I can’t even. The kid is named after Superman. Superman. And, he’s given Superman’s weird name from his home planet that was destroyed. Blah, blah, blah. I take back my comment about Pilot Inspektor Lee, this is the kid who must be thinking, “My parents could not be weirder, and they don’t really love me.” If only Shar Jackson would have yet another baby and have that baby with Quentin Tarrantino. I’m a bit giddy just thinking about it. Of course, I’d also love for Britney and Justin to get back together and have a kid so that it would be kind of like “The Good Son,” but real and in the world of pop music. The possibilities are just endless. Now I truly understand the hidden genius of Conan’s “If They Mated” game. P.S. Based on the title, you totally thought this entry was going to be about something else, didn't you? Come on people. Celebrities make my world go round.