The Big Decisions

Well, now that I have cable it seems that the wonders never cease. Law & Order all the time? Of course, sign me up. Movies in the daytime? Yes, please. Strangers baring their souls for fifteen minutes of fame? How did I live without this? (Really - that's an actual question and not meant to be rhetorical. What did I do before? Read? Come on. What was I thinking?) Anyway, having cable has allowed me to re-enter the world of movies that I've seen but had almost forgotten how great they are - "The Wedding Singer," "A Mighty Wind," "The Shawshank Redemption"...(Does Ted Turner even take a breath between the end of that film and making the phone call that puts it back on the programming schedule?) And, hence, the other day I stumbled on a movie that I have seen, but don't actually love love - "The Matrix." Now, while it might not be cool to admit it, I love Keanu Reeves. I have thought he was adorable ever since "Parenthood," and "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" still makes me laugh out loud. Admittedly, maybe it doesn't require too much "acting" per say for Keanu to play stoned or generally unsmart teens, but I like him. I just do. I'm not going to defend it anymore. For this reason, I saw "The Matrix" in the theater. But, I never saw any of the other Matrix movies. And, I think my problem comes down to one relatively simple issue - there is no way in hell I would have taken the red pill. Sure, I'm not a risk taker. And, I'm probably not the person you want with you on a wildlife safari/mountain trek/run to the gas station after dark. I'll let you know right here and now - if there's trouble, it's every man for himself. And by "himself," I mean "me." I suggest you don't block my nearest exit. Therefore, I have no idea what would be compelling enough for me to give up my world of celebrity gossip, truffles, and new-found cable. (I'm thinking about getting a body pillow too. After that, I may not leave my house on the weekends.) And, our hero gives it all up for the "truth"? Now, what the hell is that about? The last time I checked few people actually liked the truth. I couldn't love "US Weekly" like I do if I was overly invested in truth. Nor could I continue to enjoy my aforementioned truffles while pretending that my jeans don't always fit the way they used too if brazen honesty was a priority. You know those people who brag about the fact that they "always tell it like it is"? Those people don't have friends. You just think they do because casting directors know they make for great reality tv. The truth has got to be overrated. (If you still don't believe me, call an ex and ask for the "real" answers. But, I guess I should apologize in advance - it won't be a pleasant conversation.) And the "Matrix" kind of truth is especially bad. It's waking up in your own placenta-like, gooey sac to unplug the back of your freshly shaved head from an overarching evil computer system before breaking free of a pod and leaping into space. Just to scratch the surface of why this would suck, I have spent two years growing out my hair. Even without the amniotic fluids, learning that I had no hair at all would be too much for me. In short, no thank you. No matter how much I like the action of the movie and Keanu's lovely presence, I can never get over that. I just don't know how it can be worth it. Did you see the sweater Neo had to wear on the strange space craft while he fought the all-encompassing forces of evil? And again - those fluids... Should I ever encounter a Lawrence Fishburne-esque revolutionary and bearer of great knowledge, my reply will be simple, "Blue pill, please. Nice to have met you." I suggest you do the same.