Hello '06

In honor of the New Year, which so far has begun with less than a bang for me (despite the look of alcohol-induced joy on my face), I thought I would share my resolutions with you. (As an example of my New Year, on January 1 my driver’s side car door stopped closing. I had to return from the grocery story holding it to me, which is a hell of a lot harder than I ever imagined.) 1. I must find out what happened to Staci Keanan. The other morning, during a bout of insomnia/it’s hard to sleep without alcohol in my system after the holidays, I turned, as I am prone to do, to the Lifetime Movie Network. There I found “Lisa,” a thriller starring, you guessed it, Staci Keanan as a sassy adolescent who develops a crush on a dashing older man she has no idea is actually a serial rapist and murderer dubbed “The Candlelight Killer” by the local news. Unfortunately, Staci (as the titular “Lisa”) must fight off Rick and his sinister designs with the help of her devoted single mother, Cheryl Ladd. I will ignore my burning question as to how Cheryl and Staci seemed to know nothing about “The Candlelight Killer” when half of his victims came from their block. Anyway, then I of course remembered Staci from her days on “My Two Dads.” What are the odds that one woman could love an uptight businessman and a sensitive artist at the same time, get pregnant, and then hide her child for 12 whole years? And, how did those two crazy different men ever get along? Oh, the hijinx that ensued... And, I tried to forget about Staci’s unfortunate tenure on “Step By Step” and that short, bleach blonde haircut oh so reminiscent of Tori Spelling in the early to mid 90s. ( At least that memory lets me feel good about the fact that I never bought into the baby tee trend.) Well, in 2006, I will discover what Staci does now. Maybe I’ll even shoot her an e-mail, see what she really thinks about Suzanne Sommers, whether or not she regrets agreeing to that “Step by Step” storyline that had her dating her stepbrother, why her TV sister put on so much weight in season 3, if the actor who played the mildly retarded cousin (and former star of the “Kickboxer”movies) could be as violent on set as he allegedly was with his ex-wife...The possibilities are endless. (For those of you thinking that this particular resolution will require a google search and no true change or commitment, please see my earlier post about aiming low.) 2. I’m going to swear more. Yes, more. And, since swearing is inappropriate to begin with, I think I’m just going to move towards completely unnecessary and superfluous swearing. Something along the lines of “This parking spot is fucking awesome. I can’t wait to walk from the damn store back to the fucking car. It’s going to be the shit ” I’m going to make my cussing more nonsensical just for kicks. 3. I will clean my car more often. When I picked up my car from the shop due to the aforementioned door problem, I had one of those moments when I realized how crazy I must seem to complete strangers. For one, there’s a cage of sorts in the very back of my Explorer because of my dog. Most people look at it strangely to begin with, but since the “cage” currently holds my holiday-themed flannel pajamas and clean towels, it has to seem odd. I also keep something of a “filing system” in the back seat for student papers or mental_floss drafts, stuff I’m working on, stuff other people want me to read, etc. Basically, it seems like I’m a crazy hoarder. In the passenger seat, there was my Halloween costume that I still haven’t packed away. I’m sure the chain smoking mechanic who worked on my car wondered a little about why a slutty Dorothy outfit was in the front seat of someone’s car in January. And, last but not least, I had “The Essential Dan Folgerberg” in the CD player. (Yes, I know, what of Dan Folgerberg’s work isn’t essential? We’ll have to blame the marketing folks for that faux pas.) I like to listen to a little “Same Auld Lang Syne” at the end of the year, and I may not be proud of it, but it’s still true. Pretty scary, isn’t it? I probably won’t be able to show my face in that service department again. 4. I will try to curb my diet coke and trashy magazine addictions. When I go to the store, I will have to choose between Us Weekly, Life and Style, and Soap Opera Digest. I just can’t have them all. (You know it’s bad when you’re jealous that your sister got a Star magazine for Christmas and you didn’t.) I mean, it won’t kill me to try Time or even a newspaper instead. Although, the newspaper goes back to my crossword puzzle and su doku problems...And, no more having 3 diet cokes before noon. 2 should be plenty. When will I learn that caffeine, aspartame, and nutrasweet do not a balanced breakfast make? 5. And, the last resolution is just something I must get through my head in the New Year: Hugh Laurie is not my boyfriend. Gregory House, M. D. does not exist. He is a fictional character. We will never be able to get married and have babies. I should not devote hours to wondering whether or not I like Hugh better with a British accent or as House. I do not need to concern myself with House’s Vicadin addiction and how my devotion could pull him through. Again, the show is just a show. None of it is real. And, the real Hugh Laurie is married with kids. I must move on, even if that means giving my beloved Season 1 DVDs a rest. After all, they did recently put “Moonlighting” on DVD. A young Bruce Willis...Hmmm...