Weekend Woes

Question: How do you know when you've watched too much Lifetime? (And, yes, even for me this can happen.) Answer: When Sarah Chalke actually shows up in your dreams (because you've seen that commercial for "Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy" too many times), and, as if that isn't bad enough, in your dream she's killing old people for their homes and social security checks. (I know, I know - I didn't think lovely Elliot from "Scrubs" and the former second Becky from "Roseanne" was capable of such maliciousness either, but after watching "Single White Female 2: The Psycho," I realize that danger lurks everywhere.) (As another side note, "Single White Female 2" is not nearly as enjoyable once you get a sense of deja vu/carefully repressed memories moving dangerously towards the surface during some of the scenes. I once had a roommate go out and get my haircut. In a word? Awkward.) Also, in another bit of oddness/it's amazing what you'll find interesting when your entire day consists of watching Lifetime, one of the movies focused on 2 characters named Laurel and Susan. Now, Susan is the only person I know who can watch as much Lifetime as me, and, strangely enough, in proof of what is the true kismet and symbiotic nature of our friendship, the last time I realized that I had watched too much Lifetime, I was with Susan, and we both reached our "television for women" saturation point at the same moment. You see, Susan and I have spent many of our hangover days lying about the house with Lifetime on - usually I'm digging Doritos crumbs out of my bed from Susan's 4 a.m. snack and she's reminding me that no boy should ever see my yarn collection before the 7th date because otherwise, between that and the dog sweaters, he'll probably run away screaming. Sometimes we head out for a strange combination of Sonic tater tots, Captain Dee's hush puppies, and Taco Bell soft tacos, and sometimes we don't. Anyways, on one of said days, we were in the midst of "Bella Mafia" (a truly horrible film starring Jennifer Tilly, Vanessa Redgrave, Nastassja Kinski, and James Marsden as a very odd sociopath/incest-lover) when we both lost our will to live. I don't know if it was James' desperate attempts to make out with his mother, grandmother, and cousin, the presence of a wheezing pre-teen albino who was never fully explained by the script, or, oh yeah, the fact that it was 4 FREAKIN' HOURS LONG, but we still refer to that as "Black Tuesday." It was months before we could even flip past the channel without cringing. Luckily, we powered through for our annual celebration of Meredith Baxter-Birney, but it wasn't easy. (Since asides are my thing today, I feel the need to add that, although "Bella Mafia" is atrocious and is best avoided at all costs, the Lifetime movie neither Susan nor I can condone in any way, shape, or form, is "Danielle Steel's The Ring" wherein Nastassja Kinski plays the widow of a Nazi who lies about being Jewish to get a guy's attention in post-war America. Now, that's just wrong.)