Tuesday

1. I am getting older faster than I thought. I went shopping for a lingerie shower I’m hosting in a couple of weeks. I picked out something nice and satiny for the bride and then found myself inextricably drawn towards a pajama set that included long pink pants and a pink wrap sweater that closes with a satin sash. There is no doubt in my mind that this particular bedroom ensemble was designed for the "mature" set, i.e. those who want to look like Lauren Bacall at a certain age and not Estelle Getty. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wandered around the whole store trying to fight my attraction to this outfit and couldn’t. The only thought running through my mind was, "This will be so cute when I just want to stay home, watch "Medium" and knit." (If you replace "Medium" with "60 Minutes," I am my grandmother.) I could even hear the thoughts of others in line at the check out, "How sweet of her to pick up something for herself on Valentine’s Day and something for her mother." I might need to get out more. And I know you’re all thinking just how lucky a man my next boyfriend is... 2. I must do the dishes more often. Now, before we get into this story, I must warn you that it is incredibly foul and disgusting and may make you never want to eat any food I might serve you. Last week I made some macaroni and cheese. I didn’t finish eating all of it (thank God for the sake of the waistline) and put the pot with the remaining "pasta" in the sick to wash later. Well, I guess I waited too long because when I removed the lid thinking I was about to scrub it clean, I was almost knocked out by the odor emanating from the pot. (This is not the mention the color that the mac and cheese had become. I now know why puce is called puce.) So, like any rational person confronted with an awful mess, I decided to sacrifice the pot and destroy all evidence of my dirtiness. I carefully removed the pot and the lid from the sink, doing my best to keep the lid firmly over the barely-above-vomit former meal. Then I took out duct tape and wrapped it all around the pot and lid to ensure no seepage or leakage. I wrapped this pot/lid/duct taped thing in multiple plastic bags and waited until night fall so that I could run it out to the dumpster without any of my neighbors seeing it or being able to trace it to me. In short, people have taken fewer precautions getting rid of dead bodies than I took when confronted with mold.