Dangerous Liasons

No, the title is not a reference to my dating life or driving skills, unfortunately, but rather to the actual 1988 film that I finally got around to seeing for the first time last night. To begin with, I'll have to say that my enjoyment of the movie might have been hindered by a few anxieties I had going in. 1. That I would actually find myself attracted to John Malkovich and thereby open up a whole new set of issues that I have managed to avoid until this point in my life. 2. That I would watch the whole movie and still prefer "Cruel Intentions." And, after viewing the film, I think I have more questions than I have answers. 1. Why are ambiguously gay men chosen for the roles of men women can't resist? I think I was even more repulsed by John Malkovich after watching "Dangerous Liasons," and I thought almost vomiting during his sex scenes in "Being John Malkovich" was as bad as it would ever get. Ryan Phillipe, I love you solely because you are married to Reese Witherspoon and I admire you for taking her much bigger fame seemingly well, but I do often wonder about your sexuality. Reese must love you because I certainly know that the idea of you touching me in a more than friends way leads to a desire to scratch at and peel away my own skin, which my doctor keeps telling me is a big no-no and indicative of some sort of neurosis, blah, blah, blah... 2. So, the big pick-up/introduction line in Rococo-era France was "I love you"? Really? That was it? No, "Hi, how are you? My name is Pierre?" Just a flat out "I love you" in either oral or written form? Although, come to think of it, I guess you had to rush relationships when the life expectancy was 35 and syphilis could still kill you. 3. Someone cast Keanu Reeves in a sensitive period piece? Long before his "Matrix" trilogy comeback, when he was still primarily known as the idiot from "Parenthood" and "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"? Fascinating. 4. Glenn Close, you're always pretty scary aren't you? Do you enjoy it when men fear you? Did something happen when you were a little girl? Too many boys mistreating your dolls and playing keep-a-way with your favorite teddy bear? Do you get back at them by ruining their relationships and boiling rabbits (even if it is a fictional setting)? Do you really just need a hug? 5. Why is this a good movie? I really need to know. Other than the kick ass clothes and rocking hairpieces, I'm really at a loss. And, truthfully, at least "Cruel Intentions" didn't let me down or fail to meet my expectations.